What?

What? Avocado? Is that boring? I must be out of my mind! Huh? Whaaat? Jersey? Patridge? Sagebrush? Unequivocal? What are you looking for? What are you looking for? What do you want? What kind of words? BB...what did I do wrong? What kind of words do you want?

Works the mind of a DULLARD!

Ship Building in Paradise

Ship building in paradise,
What a fine job that would be,
Basking in the warm sun,
Cutting timber into logs,
Sanding them to a smooth finish,
Poring over fantastic blueprints,
Smudging them with freshly brewed coffee,
Hammering in thousands of nails,
Gently sucking bruised thumbs,
And before you can say "Ahoy, mates!",
You stand before your new home,
Pride filling your belly,
Along with fresh lobster rolls,
And with long awaited anticipation,
You board the unique vessel,
Feeling the cool breeze on your cheeks,
Your wonderful mate by your side,
And sail away into a beautiful sunset,
Finding another paradise all your own.

I was murdered!

The other night, I was innocently laying in bed, when all of a sudden, a blanket was put over my face! By a maniac! I was snoring quite softly (like a locomotive), and the sweet sound was not luring my partner to sleep. I don't know why! My snores are like gentle waves caressing the soft sand on a starry night in Hawaii (like giant monsoons crashing all in sight). Anyway, I felt the blanket on my face, and I was like, oh, she'll take it off. Boy, was I mistaken! Crazy girl! Since I am a trusting fellow, I fell back asleep, with the blanket still over my face! My brain had stopped working (when did it ever work?), and no air was going to my brain to tell me to breathe. So, I was MURDERED! When I told this to my partner the next day, she didn't understand at all what my problem was (do you?). She suggested I go to the police and tell them I was murdered by her, which of course the police would think I was cuckoo. But, by golly, I was murdered! And my Father and Brother understand! And they will keep an eagle eye on her! Murderous partner! Please, someone shut him up for good! Murdered! What a laugh!

Visiting Blogger - BB
In red - BTWC

Buddo, the Green-Eyed Fatso!

Buddo, the green-eyed fatso
had a very little brain.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it gleams.

All of the other kitties
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Fatso,
join in any feline games.

Then one foggy misty day,
Owner came to say:
"Fatso with your brain so dim,
won't you fulfill all my evil whims?"

Then all the kitties loathed him
as they shouted out with HISS.
Buddo, the Green-Eyed Fatso,
you'll go down in history!

Fatso got run over by a reindeer...

Fatso got run over by a reindeer,
waddlin' home from our house on Christmas eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and BB, we believe.

He'd been drinkin' too much john slop,
And we'd begged him not to go,
But he'd forgot to fill his tummy,
and he tottered out the door into the snow.

When we found him Christmas mornin',
at the scene of the attack,
He had hoof prints on his forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on his furry back.

Fatso got run over by a reindeer,
Waddlin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and BB, we believe.

Now we're all so proud of BB,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' Seagal,
drinkin' tea and playin' cards with white kitty.

It's so Christmas without Fatso,
All the family dressed in Brights.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up his gifts on this cheery night?

Fatso got run over by a reindeer,
waddlin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and BB, we believe.

Now the ham is on the table.
And the pudding made of fig.
And a green and silver candle,
that would just have matched the color in Fatso's eyes.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should always give a license,
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Fatso got run over by a reindeer,
waddlin' home from our house Christmas eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and BB, we believe.

Fatso got run over by a reindeer,
waddlin' home from our house Christmas eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and BB, we believe.

Detroit, OH

Detroit, Detroit, oh Detroit, MI!
How I detest thee!
The gangs, the murders, the thievery, the treachery, the horrors of a city!
Casinos destroying unemployed lives with the lure of riches,
Mayors sending salacious texts to his girlfriend,
Spending the city's money on opulent vacations,
Drugs rampant, guns firing, prostitutes soliciting are the norm,
Of a city gone to ruins in fiery damnation!
But alas! Dear Detroit! Arisen from the depths of Hell is -
The New Detroit! Detroit, OH!
Formerly known as Cleveland, OH,
For Dear Detroiters,
Cleveland also has their gangs, murders, thieves, and treachery,
Crooked politicians (aka Cleveland Sheriff),
And a new law allowing casinos,
But, this New Detroit has something else to speak of,
Something so horrific and appalling and frightening to all,
Even to the prostitutes, the Suburbanites, and you,
And I'd like to say this is the first time one has appeared,
But The Torso Killer preceded him,
Alas, the modern day Serial Killer has emerged!
Raping, murdering and burying his victims in his yard,
11+ bodies, a stench so repulsive you want to cut off your nose!
Horrendous revelations coming to light everyday,
These terrible findings are what makes -
Cleveland, OH the new Detroit, OH!
Yeah to all the Clevelanders!

Stalker Bud, Stalker Bud, Stalker Bud

Stalker Bud, Stalker Bud, Stalker Bud,
What a giant lump of a fuddy dud,
Such a dark mound creepily waddling about,
Yelling out such tiny little meow shouts,
Slinking and slithering towards little M.U.S.K.y,
Joints creaking and cracking from being rusty,
Barely hiding behind small stacks,
Delighting in fake attacks,
Following her with your giant marble green eyes,
Watching her prance away from where you lie,
And your poor little heart thumps so fast,
As her fluffy gray tail sails barely beyond your grasp,
And your owners laugh in great delight,
Watching kitty love bloom in plain sight,
But alas, we know all tales must sadly end,
For Stalker Bud your heart will eventually mend,
From the cruel taunting of the M.U.S.K.y M.U.S.K.,
And you will contently bask in the evening dusk,
Surrounded by food, friends, food and food,
Which always puts you in a happy mood.

Good Deeds = Punishment

Why are good people, competent people, punished all the time? Why must they pay for the crimes and misdoings and laziness of others, just because they are diligent in their work ethics? Why? I ask, over and over again as I log more hours at work, due to someone's lack of organizational skills? Why? Must? I? Be? Punished? For? Being? Good? Bad Karma exists for Good People, Bad People have Good Karma. I am living proof of this very theory...and if you are also living proof (dead is fine too, as long as you have access to the internet and some type of computer), please comment on this topic. I would appreciate it, although the next time I will be able to enjoy my blog is probably sometime next year. Anyhoo, I shall wallow in my own self pity, while my days drudge by, and I realize another summer and fall has gone to the wayside. But don't worry about me, since I am one of those good people, so I'm expecting some bad karma to come my way. Let me know your thoughts, please.

DON'T DESPAIR....I WILL REAPPEAR!!!

Fantastic, wonderful blog readers, don't despair...for I will reappear...as soon as my mysterious red bumps all over my legs and arms disappear...and all day sleepiness is no longer near...and my comfy seat is ready for my rear...when my kitties run away from fear...and the computer room is finally clear...of clutter and stinkiness and a grumpy bear...I will be roaring to write to my dears!

Eggplant Disaster or a Genius Creation?

One of my dear readers tortured me with a picture of her delicious homemade eggplant lasagna (with homemade sauce I might add!), and I decided to make one too. Now, like the risk taker I am, armed with no recipe (and no, that is not a synonym for lazy), I eagerly bought all my ingredients for eggplant lasagna too! I assembled all the ingredients, made my homemade sauce, and created a delicious looking dish that weighs easily ten pounds! I even sprinkled parsley over the top, to add a pop of color on the brown cheese. Now, I made this tonight, and I am going to bake it tomorrow. The only problem? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK EGGPLANT!!! After I assembled the wonderfully aromatic lasagna, I decided to look up how to make an eggplant lasagna - and do you know what I discovered? You're suppose to cook/bake/salt the eggplant ahead of time to rid it of moisture and bitterness! So, dear readers, tomorrow, I may have a bitter, runny mess of a lasagna, and do you know who I have to thank? THE DEAR READER WHO SENT ME A PICTURE OF HER EGGPLANT LASAGNA WITH NO RECIPE ATTACHED! THANKS A LOT READER! I'LL REMEMBER THIS NEXT TIME, WHEN YOU ARE DROOLING OVER SOME DISH I MADE AND ARE DISASTROUSLY TRYING TO RECREATE IT WITH NO INSTRUCTIONS! AND I'LL LAUGH! DEAR READER! But, I will still eat my lasagna, regardless of how it tastes or turns out, because I am a pig, and like any pig, I need to maintain my piggish weight with whatever food is nearby. Anyhoo, I probably won't give you an update on how the lasagna turns out, and there will be no picture, for anyone who is curious enough to want to know. Good night, and good eating, my dear readers.

MUTANT FEET OR RESULT OF INTENSIVE LABOR? YOU DECIDE!

For as long as I remember, I've always worked jobs where I am on my feet non-stop. Hard, brutal labor, body aching pain labor, mind-numbing labor, brain turns to mush labor, type of jobs. You know. We've all worked them; I've had the unfortunate "delight" in collecting all of the above types of jobs.

Anyway, my mind-boggling question is: Do I have Mutant Feet or Are My Deformed Feet the Result of Intensive Labor?

Three short years ago, I wore a size 7-7.5M, a little smaller than the average size of 8M. Well, as the years went quickly by, and my life turned into a blur of work, work, work, something unusual occurred. Something, I think scientifically is almost impossible. My life sucking job requires me to be on my feet for 8-12 hours a day (horrific, I know! Inhumane even, if society knew what the word meant). As I drudge through my work day, constantly on my poor delicate feet, running back and forth for people I don't care about, my feet seemed to grow and started forming bunions and bunionettes...and you may say, wear different shoes, you moron! But, what if you had to wear a specific brand of shoes all day long, and your closet is full of these shoes...ones that felt great for the first couple of hours, but after the inhumane 6 or 7 hours of standing, your poor little feet started hurting everywhere. And as a result, size 8M are suddenly uncomfortable, and all you want to wear are flip-flops and sandals all day long (or go barefoot like third world countries - I bet their feet are free from corns, bunions and plantar fasciitis).

Now, my dear readers, honestly tell me: Do I have Mutant Feet or are my feet the result of intensive labor? And please, dear readers, think long and hard before you answer. Take a honest look at your poor feet, and let me know how they are. I personally think society is responsible for the deconstruction of my tootsies, and I firmly believe they should pay. How, do you ask? By buying all my shoes until I find a comfortable pair! And then purchasing additional pairs so I don't have to wear the same ones over and over again! Society - pay the debt you owe to me and to my feet! Pay!!!

Creepazoid, Creepazoid and His Sidekick!

Creepazoid, Creepazoid,
And his sidekick Fatsozoid,
What a pair they make,
Slimy and sneaky like snakes,
Causing trouble wherever they go,
Creating chaos with all their foes,
Don't be fooled by their folklore,
Creepily slithering around the moor,
For no one can stop the Creepazoid,
And His Dumb Sidekick Fatsozoid,
Watch out for his slippery tongue,
His musings are nothing but dung,
And his Sidekick Fatsozoid with no brain,
Creepazoid sneers at him with disdain,
But since Fatsozoid is so dense,
Nothing Creepazoid does makes sense,
And all they do is creepily move about,
Everyone thinks they are two lousy louts,
But beware of the Creepazoid
And his sidekick Fatsozoid,
For they are creepy in every way,
Never listen to what they say,
Keep your distance from them,
Let their creepiness dim,
And all shall be good again!

Back to Work Blues

Back to work, back to work, I've got the Back to Work Blues!
Ain't too eager to jump out of bed,
Place a hat jauntily on my head,
Fill my belly with cereal and milk,
Clean the spot on my brand new silk,
Drag myself to my jalopy with wheels,
Forget my keys and over I keel,
With the tremendous feeling of Back to Work Blues!
Back to Work Blues! Back to Work Blues!
Off I go to my fantastically draining job,
While I sit in traffic, I try to stop my sobs,
Finally I get to the store,
Feeling creaking and sore,
And whoa! What do I behold?
A mountain of work dribbling with mold,
And as I trudge through the tedious work day,
I bite my tongue to hold in what I dearly want to say,
And off to lunch I go,
Stubbing my big toe,
And as I cry in pain, I feel the Back to Work Blues!
Back to Work Blues! Back to Work Blues!
Finally, the clock strikes the time to go home,
The feeling of dread fits like a dome,
For I know as soon as I lay in bed,
I must get up and live like the dead,
For all I do is work, work, work,
And try not to stab colleagues with a fork,
And I so wish my vacation days never ended,
Cause when they do, I feel the Back to Work Blues!
Back to Work Blues! Back to Work Blues!

ME ANGRY!!!

LIFE IS FULL OF ANGRYNESS AND BITTERNESS AND HATRED AND LIFE STINKS!!! OF POO AND RANCID WRETCHEDNESS OF HUMANITY!!! AND WILL THIS EVER END? WILL ANGER BE THE NORM? ANGER AND RESENTMENT AND LIFE FULL OF MISERY? SINCE EVERY ONE IS OUT FOR THEMSELVES AND WILL BATTER DOWN ANY LIVING SOUL REGARDLESS OF AGE, RACE, SEX OR THE FACT THAT THEY ARE A LIVING BEING? ANGRY! OVER LIFE! BAD THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE! KARMA DOES NOT EXIST FOR THE GOOD! ASK ANY GOOD PERSON!

Summer Musings

Summer is here,
Sun shining in my face,
Watermelon juice dribbling down my chin,
Children laughing in the distance,
Leisurely reading my favorite novel,
Munching on freshly picked cherries,
Creating cloud-shaping fun in the blue sky,
Feeling the breeze over the crystal blue lake,
Chomping on delicious grill scorched dogs,
Making a mountain of a s'more,
Exploring the nearby forests and parks,
Exercising my fatso cat outside,
Eagerly anticipating my gigantic tomatoes to ripen,
Fresh catnip gobbled by my druggie kitties,
Watching fireworks on the 4th of July,
These are some of my favorite things,
During the short summer months of a Northern State,
But alas, because of the cruelness of fate,
I am forever doomed to be inside,
Selling products no one wants and can afford,
While I sadly watch my life go by,
When will this end?
My dear friends,
When can I finally realize my full potential,
And enjoy life the way it's meant to be enjoyed,
Not cooped up in a building all day,
Looking out the dirty windows,
As the sunlight taunts my every move,
I sigh and sigh and sigh,
And pop a overripe melon in my mouth,
And with false sunniness I greet customers,
As they grimly ignore my every attempt for human contact,
And rudely treat me as a servant,
And ignore my need for happiness and sunshine,
And leave with no purchases,
As I gaze sadly out the window,
Wondering if I can possibly escape,
This sadness welling up inside of me,
Please don't let life pass you by,
And unless you believe in reincarnation,
You only have one life to live,
So live life to the fullest,
And disregard Society's need to suck away life's happiness,
With the misconceived notion of work, work, work,
For work does not bring fulfillment,
And escape the doomed fate I have,
Of withering away into nothingness,
And nothing to show for it.

Enjoy my Summer Musings,
And Remember,
Life is Short,
Live to the Fullest

WHAT THE...???

WHO'S THAT GIRL???

GRAND SCHEME REVEALED!!!

Alas, my beloved blog readers, I have neglected you so...for a dear cherished reader commented about my wonderful grand scheme...and six days later, here it is...for all to welcome with open arms...and to wonder why such a grand scheme has not been revealed before...and why haven't YOU paid more attention to my highly intellectual musings...

But, you must excuse me, dear readers, for I digress about the NO MONEY I make with this time-consuming, thought provoking, life altering blog...remember, my devilishly smart readers, that you make this blog happen...with the money I earn from writing these Nobel prize winner blogs, I can sustain my energy and life force...and I thank you, great readers of mine.

Now, if I follow my grand scheme (which I religiously follow...and the next time you meet me in person you will also agree I most whole heartedly believe in my scheme)...more money shall be in my pocket...not at first, but in the long term...and that's what investment is all about.

GRAND SCHEME REVEALED!!!
As everyone knows, money is tight everywhere, with prices increasing at an alarmingly fast rate, quality disappearing right before your eyes and robbery and crookery is rampant amongst us all (which politicians, the rich and poor all intimately know), how to combat an environment unknown to us?

Well, in layman terms:
BECOME OBESE BY EATING ALL THE FATTY PROCESSED FOODS FROM FAST FOOD JOINTS, FROZEN FOODS, MOTHER'S MYSTERY MEATLOAF, CANNED FOODS, PRE-PACKAGED FOODS, 30 LB CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNIES, CANDY, CHIPS, DANISH BUTTER COOKIES IN A BLUE TIN, BAKED GOODS, ICE CREAM, FUDGE, GRANDMA'S OATMEAL COOKIES, AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS NOT NATURALLY FOUND IN THE EARTH OR TREES OR BUSHES OR THE SEA OR LAND...AND WHEN YOU DEFINITELY HAVE NO MONEY, LIVE OFF YOUR OWN FAT!!! AND MONEY SHALL ABOUND!

GENIUS? IS IT NOT? BECOME FAT AND DIET WHEN NO MONEY IS TO BE FOUND? AND, I BELIEVE AMERICANS ARE ALREADY EMBRACING THIS GRAND WONDERFUL SCHEME, FOR EVERY 4 SECONDS A CAN OF SPAM IS BEING OPENED! DELICIOUS WONDERFUL SPAM! THE CHOICE OF MEAT OF HAWAIIANS! AND LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE!

Grand plan? Of course. I'm very pleased and self satisfied (I'm trying to wipe my smug smile off, ha ha) that I came up with this fool proof way to endure the recession and come up on top with my bulky frame (and won't that be a treat for sore eyes!).

Anyway, comments are always appreciated, and please, try to tone down the praise and accolades for this grand scheme. And please, don't try to steal this idea and make it your own. I am the first to blog about this wonderful plan, so no one will ever believe you devised this economy saving scheme.

Again, thanks to my one precious reader, the world now knows of my GRAND SCHEME! Hooray!!!

BTWC

ONE COMMENT, AND MY GRAND SCHEME WILL BE REVEALED!!!

Grand Scheme to Save Money??? Genius or Not? You Decide!

My poor readers, I know I have neglected you to pursue other more interesting pursuits than the NO COMMENTS you leave my thought provoking blog, but alas, I have found my way back to you...

Now, I have a grand scheme to save money, and I believe my idea is full of genius and cleverness and multi layered dimensional wonderfulness, and the money we can save is tremendous! Tremendous I say! You can finally buy that Giant Blue Tin of Butter Danish Cookies, if that is your great desire, and I don't see why it wouldn't be, considering they are the most delicious cookies on earth! Or you can buy that new pair of shoes you've been lusting over for the past 6 months, since they finally came down to an affordable price of $30! All leather upper, leather lined and beautifully constructed shoeocity! Magnificent!

Anyway, back to that superb idea of how to save money, money that no one has...but soon you will if you follow my financial plan to the letter...and I mean every letter...

Of course, following this financial genius wouldn't be necessary if we weren't in such a slump...really, people need to use more than one square of toilet paper, and the giant hole in their shoe needs to be replaced, or the one cracker you nibble on all day long for sustenance and strength...well folks, we need to change all of this...and this is were my grand plan comes into play...ah, yes...my name will be forever known for this grand plan...BTWC, people will say, is brilliant and because of BTWC's grand financial plan - we are finally saved! Saved from our own greediness and lack of self-discipline...Ah, Yes, BTWC, tell us your grand plan!

Oh, I am faint from hunger...somehow the multi-grain cracker with a pinch of peanut butter did not satisfy my body's needs, for I am dizzy and am forgetful...what was that Grand Scheme to Save Money? What was it? Oh, if only someone would send me a great giant blue tin of danish butter cookies, than maybe my feeble brain will turn its wheels and remember what the plan was...oh, does anyone care enough to know? Anyone?

Revelers Rejoice!!!

Revelers Rejoice!!! 2009 is Here, Along with Buttery Danish Butter Cookies! Yummy! Even with the economy in financial peril, Danish Butter Cookies are always in the Budget! One delicious bite, and all your problems melt away, as does the buttery flaky danish cookie.