Who reads my blogs?

I have a question, a very important question, a question that has haunted me since Christmas, a question I am sure you are wondering yourself, although it does not affect you, a question so thought-provoking and filled with emotional turmoil I am almost afraid to ask:

WHERE ARE MY BUTTERY DANISH COOKIES IN THE BLUE TIN?

Does no one read my very interesting and self-absorbed and nonsensical blog? Does no one care? Boohoo, I am going to eat all the stale baked confections from Christmas, and not think of those delicious, buttery danish cookies melting in my mouth...

Absolute Truth: Good People Come in Last

I will be the brave soul, the depressing and absolutely loathsome person, the truth telling, no lies told blogger, who will write down the words no one wants to hear or read because of the irrevocable truth these words hold:

GOOD PEOPLE COME IN LAST...BAD PEOPLE COME IN FIRST...TRAMPLING THE GOOD PEOPLE TO DEATH...ENJOYING LIFE ON GOOD PEOPLE'S EXPENSE...AND THIS ABSOLUTE TRUTH WILL NEVER END...LONG LIVE THE BAD PEOPLE...HOPEFULLY YOU ARE ONE OF THEM...

FOR I AM NOT...AND LIFE IS KILLING ME

Favorite Scarytale of Lonemiesters!

Once upon a time, in a far away land, lived the valley of the dolls. Realistic, squishy rubber dolls, dressed to the nines with beautiful real hair, face artistically made up and clothes that fit snugly on their perfect bodies. Wonderful companions these dolls were, providing endless comfort and long lasting friendship.

One day, not long ago, real live human women tried to overtake these dolls. The dolls that took over their men's lives, and became a "Stepford" wife to lonely men. Sure, the dolls couldn't cook, or carry a conversation, or enjoy a delicious meal, or even walk on their own, but by golly, could they bring joy to a lonely man's heart. With much cat fighting (mainly on the real women's part), and cursing and yelling, the human women left, defeated and embarrassed. How could fake women beat real live human women? How? They wondered, as they walked back to their cozy homes with live animals as pets, and live children to nurture and care for.

How did the dolls win? Because this is a scarytale for lonemiesters! Beware live women, for a doll may soon take over your life!!!

Idiocy Abounds in Everyone!

I have to admit, sometimes I do the most idiotic things that bring consequences I do not want to face, or resolve. For that brief moment of happiness, or oblivion, my actions are incomprehensible. I like to say that I'm the only one who does idiotic things every once in a while, but I find that I'm not alone. Happily, I'm not alone. Actually, I have yet to meet someone who does not act idiotically from time to time. In fact, I don't think anyone exist or ever existed, or who will exist, that will not be an idiot at one point in their life (and we all know once is far from realistic).

So, for all those people out there who think they are the biggest idiots in the world, take hope...IDIOCY ABOUNDS IN EVERYONE!!!

BMI - I'm Fat!!!

According to my BMI (Body Mass Index), I'm .1 away from being overweight. Fat. Pleasantly plump (so the courteous people say). Huge. Humongous. Waddle, waddle, waddle.

Now, I know I have to lose a few pounds or so (or maybe 10), but to consider me overweight? Who calculates this stuff? Who sits around and decides who's overweight, underweight, just right or obese? I was watching a show about a teenager who weighed almost 500 pounds! Now that's obese! That's overweight! Sure, maybe I have a few extra flabs of skin that shouldn't be there, or I heave up 2 stairs, out of breath, and buttery danish cookie crumbs falling from my mouth, but to say that I'm fat? I don't think so. My mumus are beautiful and comfortable! And my sweat pants have never let me down!

What defines a person as fat? And is that so terrible in our society - a society filled with greed, lust, conceit, back-stabbers, serial murderers and diseases that cannot be cured? How is a little bit of flesh going to harm anyone (except maybe me - but just a little bit). And do I have to live my life dictated by a society so focused on physical appearance? If I want another sundae, so be it! I will have gooey caramel dripping down my chin (or chins) and sprinkles melting in my mouth. I will live a life worth living - filled with delicious pastries, pizzas and delectables I can't even begin to describe. For Life is Better ______, but as of now, eat your way through life!

And then jump on the trampoline to relieve some of the guilt associated with enjoying food.

And then bake a batch of warm chocolate brownies, topped with ice cream and fudge.

And then run 5 miles to forget the happiness food brought you.

And then stop by the local fast food joint and scarf down a burger and fries and large drink.

And then lift weights at the gym with other sweaty and food-starved gym members.

And then pick up a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and a six-pack.

And then weigh yourself and calculate your BMI and remember, life is short, everyone dies, die happy.

Where have all the shoppers gone?

Where are all the cranky, self-centered, self-absorbed, greedy shoppers? Where have they gone? Where's all the bad drivers who always cut you off, and go through every red light? Where are the complainers who wait in long lines, sighing and heaving in impatience? Where are the cheapskates who want 99% off everything, and yell at you for high prices (according to them)? Where are the heartless shoppers, who forget retailers open earlier and close later with no days off - all for the missing shoppers? What's going on? This is no ordinary Christmas - with mostly nice holiday shoppers with smiles and patience. What's happening? Is it because no one's buying anything for anyone - that this state is in a terrible financial state? Come on! There's plenty of dollar stores out there! Buy something! People's livelihood depend on Holiday Shoppers!

Buttery Deliciousness in my Stocking

All I want for Christmas is a giant tin of The Royal Dansk Danish Butter Cookies! Mmmm, Mmmm! The extra ten pounds I gain from eating them will be worth it! Who cares if I'm out of breath climbing two stairs, or can't chase my 19 pound cat around - buttery deliciousness melting in my mouth is worth wearing mumus and elastic extensions in my pants. I've been a good BTWC this year, I think I deserve the cookies! Cookies! Cookies! Cookies in my mouth and tummy! Delicious!

Simple Musings About Nothing

I started this blog as a way to express my feelings, to relieve stress and to have a little fun. I'm not terribly serious about anything I write, and I feel that to write about my actual life would bore the bejeebers out of everyone. My life bores me at times. I do the same things day in and day out, only I meet different people throughout the day. Luckily, I do interact with various sorts, for my job involves repetitive words and motions that lost my interest long ago.

What made me decide to write today is because I read some inspirational words that brings hope to me and to others. I tend to be more on the dark and dreary side, with some lightheartedness thrown in. I don't take too much seriously with what I write, although I do put thought into my blogs. Plus, all my blogs are triggered by something that happened to me that day. Do I always have Dark and Dreary Days? Of course not, but sometimes life seems to have a giant gray cloud floating over my bare head, and out of nowhere pours and pours and pours one trial and tribulation after another. But, whenever it rains, it also shines beautiful sunlight, where we can see the glistening of raindrops on the fertile land we live on. And, on rare occasions, we will glimpse a rainbow that will take our breath away. And despite it all, we do find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...whether the gold is a bonus check from work, a call from a long-lost friend, warm gatherings with family and friends, or a nice relaxing and peaceful evening off. Life may bring unexpected hurts and pains to our fragile existence, but it also brings a bountiful of goodness - we just need to keep our eyes, ears and hearts open to what life offers.

My dear and wonderful blog readers, so far and few of you exist, if you took the time to read this, take the time to read "Friendship" by the Big Man in Michigan. It's worth your while, and more thought-provoking and life-altering than any of my blogs will ever be...but at least mine are entertaining (good or bad!).
http://redfisher512.blogspot.com/

Patience is not a virtue

Short fuses are common these days. Anger is the way of life. If something is not done immediately, then the world is full of idiots. Idiots who don't understand the importance of getting things done right now, and not five minutes later, where mistakes are commonplace, and correctness is only a myth. Or what about when you're waiting for some service, and the only thing you get are hurt feet for standing in line too long, or you can clean a bathroom while waiting for help on the phone.

Is your patience tested constantly? With no regards to who you are? Is your life an endless battle of trying to remain calm in an uncalm situation? When will patience actually give me a break, and not make me wait and wait and wait. Why can't I have something right now? Why must I always wait? Don't I live in the generation of me, me, me? And will my blood pressure lower if I practice patience? I don't think so. My blood pressure and stress level will diminish when society stops putting so many unrealistic demands on the common man. Maybe society should give us a break for a change - and then Patience will rear its pretty head.

And if you make sense of any of this, please explain it to me...for sometimes I may not be right in the head when writing these wonderfully nonsensical blogs.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la la la...I'm tuning you out...la la la la la la la la la la...You have nothing to say...la la la la la la la la la la...I'll take that cookie from you...la la la la la la la la la la la la...Your lips are still moving...la la la la la la la la la la...Thanks for your coffee...la la la la la la la la la la...Nothing you say is interesting...la la la la la la la la la la la...I'm falling asleep...la la la la la la la la la la la la la...Mmm, ice cream!

Money or happiness?

What's more important in life, money or happiness?

Some staunch believers of hungry money whores may say dough is the key to happiness! Nothing is better than lying naked in a bed of stolen money! Money I stole from you! Money, money, money!

Others, less wise in life and full of misguided idealism may say happiness. When life is full of happiness, you are wealthy - so they say. Nothing is better than being satisfied with what you have, and loving your life, whether rich or poor.

Now, my loyal and very few blog readers, what do I say is more important - money or happiness? Mmm, get back to me in ten years, and depending on how much money is in my accounts, and if I'm retired and living a lazy life full of TV watching and margarita drinking, and taking expensive trips overseas, I'll let you know what is more important.

But as of now, my dear readers, writing these thought provoking and life altering blogs makes me happy.

Watch out for F.B.!

Watch out, take care, don't be besotted and addled by the charms of F.B. He's a charmer and a cutie, but your purse will be much lighter by the time he's through with you. Eloquent words flow easily from his tongue, and big brown eyes tell no lies - or do they? Cuddling with him may be a favorite pastime, but it may be the neighbor girl's favorite too. All I say is be careful with F.B., for although he means no harm, a trail of broken hearts follow him ten years long. And you will be no different. Settle down he will for a short month or two, but involuntary wandering eyes make him stray far away...beware young and old, for F.B. is out hunting, and constantly training new F.B.'s. Beware my innocents and not so innocents, for he is still more wily than you.

Stinkiness is perfection!

Ewww! Pewww! Argh! Gag! Stench-o-rama! Deodorizing is not an option! Yuck! Get away from me! Yes you! Stinkiness is not perfection, stinkaroo! My eyes are watering from the horrendous stench! Do everyone a favor, and cover yourself with dung. Even that is better than your natural odor. Please, help me! Here's a bar of lye soap - burn your skin off! Drench yourself with anything except your scent.

Oh, stinkiness, stinkiness is my pain...and my torturous life is your gain...perfection is not in your scent...please cover yourself with mint...

Gibberish is mine today!

Gibberish, rubbish, nonsensical musings are what is in store today! Nothing makes sense and nothing ever will! Life is insane and so are you! Turkey day is coming and I'm fattening up for the feast! I must prepare my stomach to stretch and grow for the upcoming festivities of food, food and food! For I must taste anything and everything that comes my way! Mmmm, is that your grub today? It'll only be delicious in my mouth! Give up your food, and I may let you continue on with your insane routine as long as food is always in my mouth!

Poke, Poke, Poke...Poke, Poke, Poke...

Poke and needle until I bare my sharp bloody fangs and burn holes into your very soul with my evil eyes! If you continue, irritating person that you are, my fury will not be contained. All you possess and all you pretend to love will be mine. Wait and see, my snoggleheaded enemy. Wait and see. My wrath will have you quivering in your old disgusting boots, and your constant nervous tick will never end. I will be behind every corner, I will be the shadow you fear... Pokee

Poke, Poke, Poke...Poke, Poke, Poke...Poke, Poke, Poke...

"Now I lay me down to sleep, pray the Devil my soul to keep, if I die before I wake, I pray the Devil my soul to take...for if my poking does not cease, my soul will be captured by a beast, and to burn in hell is a fairer fate, then to prolong this torturous wait...for no mercy will the pokee show, and then I shall be no more"...Poker Prayer

Bloody Tails and Fatso Bulges

I have a bloody tail! and I'm gonna keep on chewing, until I am the center of attention!

Fud, Fud, must ave fud for mys hungrys belly!

...Two hundred dollars on allergy medication and his tail's still bloody!

...Nineteen pounds later and the food bowl's still empty!

The trials and tribulations are mine to face, when furry little friends take over the place!

Life is Good Again!

Happiness is my friend! Dark and Dreary Days are mine no more! Rejoice in the light of pure joy! Rejoice, my friend, rejoice!

...dark and dreary days are creeping back...

...lightness is coming through...

...raindrops are hitting my bare head...

...warmth seeps through my soul...

...holiday shoppers are barreling me over...

...giant feasts and delicious treats are in sight...

...who's going to win...darkness or light...

...more to come...

When it rains, it pours...

delicious melt in your mouth chocolate, cookies galore, and frothy milkshakes that make you quiver with delight! Ahh, I'm in heaven! Don't run away from the downpour - embrace the warmth and happiness you feel as you bathe in the sugar laden tub. Sugar is your friend, as it is mine. Don't let those health nuts convince you otherwise. Just think, what a terrible world this would be without Ruth Wakefield's ingenious invention of flour, eggs, brown sugar and chocolate chips! She is worthy of the Nobel Prize, and our adoration forever and forever. Hail thee, Ms. Wakefield, hail the warm gooey chocolate chip cookie!

Mmmm, I must say there is a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough in my fridge - waiting to be devoured by a sugar hungry heathen like me!

Rob me blind, I say!

Have you ever had the feeling you were being used and cheated all the time? People come out and tell you that you are being abused financially, yet you ignore their wise chastisings and continue on your merry way? Well, I know I am being robbed blind and I have internet proof to prove it!

What is it about unsuspecting and innocent fools like me? Why are we so susceptible to the greedy and immoral advances of the "me, me, me" era? How do I halt this foolishness, and dwindle their dirty pile of wealth - accumulated by driving a stake through my heart and the hearts of others like me - and live in harmony with them? Because of them, I have to do additional work to protect my assets - and I am very lazy. I don't like making phone calls and setting up times to discuss how they are cheating me out of my hard earned money - money I have to wrench free from grubby hands that won't let go for my services (all legal I say!).

Anyhow, I must go, for tomorrow I have the dreaded task of claiming what is mine, and trying to out talk the smooth-talker I know the person will be. With my luck, by the end of the day, I shall be poorer and more bewildered and heartbroken by the greediness of men. I shall cry my poor eyes out with the 1-ply toilet paper I had to steal from work, and ration my allotment of tissue very sparingly - so sparingly it will last me a month! And what a dreadful month that will be! Public restrooms, here I come!

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..."

These are some of the things that make me not want to see you!

I'm kidding of course! Who wouldn't want to see you? A big furry huggable bear you are! Watch those claws! And stop staring at me with those beady black eyes! I'm not tasty at all! Look over there! Look at him! I think that's the guy who wrote that bizarre nonsense yesterday! Go eat him! He's full of delicious dump cake! Hey, get away bear! I have a full life to lead! I haven't even made a dent into this whole blog thing! Stop! Stop licking! Ouch! Was that your teeth! Ahhhhhhhhh...

Is he gone? I played dead, and I think he went away. I don't think he's here...this can't be my blood! All gooey and green. Am I dead? Am I an Alien? What is this? What's going on? Help!!! Please!!! Help!!!

And I says...

Lackey, man, whatz you up too? Ain't you suppose to be gettin' me some grub? I ain't the starvin' kind of man, look at my belly! Haha! Lards my friend and so's that dump cake in your hand. Mmm, mmm. Whatz this crazy flavor? Whatz your fingers doing in my mouth? Come on! Git goin' or I'm gonna put my honky tonk foot up your #@!

And folks, this is what happens when you skip school and blow up firecrackers in your neighbors' yard for free food. Nothing makes sense and you're eating people's fingers in your quest for grub. Let us all contemplate what a disastrous fate this would be for the entire world if we were all like Mr. Fancypantscake.

P.S. Who the #@!$ stole my blog! How do I get that absurd nonsense off my page?
BTWC

Blah, Blah, Blah and BLAH!

Today I will talk about nothing in particular. No thoughts flow out of my brain. Not today. I cannot say what is going on in my day. For nothing important or fascinating sticks out from today. I got up, sold my soul to Satan, and with my commission I can buy a pack of gum. Pop-snapping gum. Hot cinnamon gum. Almost worth wasting my tiny commission on. But alas, I cannot complain, for again, no thoughts flow out of my brain.

What is missing from my paragraph?

A Roast of a Roast of a Roast!

Dear Roast, here I come! After a long and exhausting hunt, I finally get to devour the tender delicious meat of a poor little dear. The hunt almost did me in, with all the courting of the dear, trying to convince her I was the one for her. I laid in wait on cold wintery days, dressed up in my courting gear. And on one unsuspecting evening, I rushed in for the kill! Exhilarating! Delightful! And oh so wonderful! I cried with the beauty of it all.

And now, after all my waiting, and with great patience, I finally get to enjoy the pleasure of biting into the succulent meat. Ahh, I am in heaven!

Thanks to a slow cooker and some veggies, I sit down to a bountiful feast of deer meat and potatoes. What a life I lead! And to think, the roast was given to me so freely and willingly by a Mr. L.! And we won't ask how he got the meat!

...And Life Goes Kaplunk!

Today is a short little blurb, about nothing really.

I find that sometimes life can be difficult and unfair and well, basically a bully that kicks you and kicks you until you can't remember why life is so cruel to you. And only to you.

Yes, today I was busily minding my own business, when Life decided to come knocking on my "You're Not Welcome" door. I ignored the persistent knocking, and went merrily and innocently on my way. Not to be undone by little ole me, Life followed me on my carefree day of wandering and daydreaming about fluffy bunnies and cotton candy. Bang! Bang! Went the bunnies, and Splat! Splat! Raindrops dissolved my cotton candy. With dismay, I ran all the way home, crying my little heart out.

Why, Life, Why, do you torture me so? What have I done to you? Can you not give me a break? Let me live my life with no bumps and distractions? No life lessons do I need to learn, especially by you Life. You're a cruel teacher, Life, and maybe the best teacher of all. Keep knocking on my closed door, and eventually I shall learn the lessons I was meant to learn.

D and D D of M

Dark and Dreary Days of Mine...

Darkness fills the air tonight, vanquishing all hope and light.
No glimmer of a smile comes from anyone today,
And all I receive are grimaces and looks of dismay.
Chills and shivers are what I feel,
As coldness engulfs my very being.
When will this darkness go away?
When will I finally see a ray of hope?
And maybe be rid of all this mope?
Work, work, work is all I do,
No money is made and there is nothing more I fear,
Than spending my entire life not enjoying life itself.
Please, Sunshine God, God of light and happiness,
Make my days warm and carefree,
Letting me love the life I crave,
A life full of laughter, family and fun,
And less stress and overworked days I need,
For if Life doesn't change for me,
Dark and Dreary Days of Mine
Will be the last of what I see.

Stay Strong I Pray, Don't Let Life Leave You Astray, For Dark and Dreary Days Will Go Away, And Lightness Will Replace the Gray

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Today, as I gaze at the computer screen, and decide what to type in this wonderful world of blogs, I think of only one thing. One thing only. Yes, only one thing. After a long day of work - and I do mean loooong - especially when you work open to close unexpectedly, all I can think of is one thing. One thing only. Yes, only one thing.

What is this one thing you ask? Did you read the title of my blog? Yes, my dear readers, this one thing has filled my brain, clouded my vision as I write this blog, dances around merrily in my head and taunts and teases me mercilessly. "You want me, you want me" chants the thing in a singsong voice, giggling as it flits away from reach.

Well, now, what should I do? Should I continue with this ranting and raving about this one thing, or should I just go after it? And what exactly is this one thing, this one thing I need and crave with my whole being? For it is not ice cream at all! No not at all - this writer is not screaming for cold, delicious ice cream filled with cream filled cookies - no, I am going to resist the temptation of fattening ice cream - ice cream that is singing in my head - yes I must resist or I will never achieve the one thing I cannot stop thinking about!

I must focus! I must stop thinking about ice cream! I must! or I will go insane!!!!! Come to me, the one thing I can't stop thinking about - come to me so I can eat my ice cream!

November Blahs

October's gone...so is all my energy. Now my days are short on light, but full of darkness. Darkness that enshrouds my thoughts of the November blahs.

November, November, how I detest thee,
You take away my sunshine and leave me with darkness
Now my days are filled with Holiday Angerness
And stressed out shoppers
All seeking for the perfect gift that does not exist
Why, oh why, November, do you come?
And leave me with Giant Turkeys to eat
And stuffing to mix with the delicious meat
And pumpkin pie with whip cream
And so many scrumptious delectables I can just scream
With delight and Oh I can't wait, until my table is laden with a feast
Fit for a November grump like me!

Happy November 1st!

Wednesday Musings

Ahh, the delightful screams of youngsters demanding sweet confections from poor overworked primates fills the air tonight! Scarfing down chocolates and gummies galore! Begging for more with chocolate smeared mouths and incomprehensible greed! That's what Halloween is all about!

Do you hear the crunch of homemade popcorn balls? The shrieks of laughter as over-sugared children run from door to door? Banging and kicking and yelling "Trick or Treat" to the poor unsuspecting adults lying in front of the TV, and pizza stains on their pajamas?

Where, or where, are their treats? Why are their hands clean of chocolatey goodness and fat-free gummies? Where has the humanity gone? Why, as soon as you reach "adulthood," all the fun of being tricksters disappears, and leaves you with an emptiness only a fun-size Snickers bar can fill?

Yes, little children of the world, enjoy life as it is - for before long, you are confronted with no treats and only tricks full of responsibility. Long live childhood...long live a child's freedom...long live that delicious bar of chocolate melting in my mouth!

Tuesday Nothingness

Blast that Bud! Can nothing be sacred from his fat bulging eyes? Can I not secretly chew on myself, or desecrate a newly vacuumed carpet, without his dull-witted eyes watching my every move?

I am constantly being watched, by Bud, Kay and Jay. Why, I ask, why am I so interesting? Can't Bud be on the look out for his next meal? Can't Kay continue her quest for chili domination? And shouldn't Jay be sabotaging her next pot - with maybe some flavorings of his own?

Kay only made the most delicious pot of chili because of me. My constant viligance of additional seasonings and hard sweat let her receive all the accolades and verbal praise due to me!!! Me!!!

I must go, for I feel their eyes on me. Looking over my shoulder as I type these words. Beware, public, of the watching eyes, eyes that never rest, eyes that are always on you - watching your every move...for if you take a wrong step, that may be the last thing they watch with their prying eyes...